Fortune and My Mom

*Warning: This is a long and depressing post, but I hope you will read and I hope you will comment, even if you are new to my blog, I love comments and any extra love and support right now is much appreciated!

Tonight we had Chinese, courtesy of the in-laws. They were taking care of us, since we need some care right now. Have you ever noticed how most fortunes are not really fortunes at all? My fortune cookie read: "Don't let unexpected situations throw you." Generally, I am not one to put alot of stock into fortune cookies. They are fun to read and they either get a huge eye roll (as in: A huge sum of money is headed your way) or a chuckle from me. But this one on this day has left me pondering and I've had a lot to ponder lately. Like the unexpected brain tumor that my mother was diagnosed with two weeks ago. That news, while completely unsettling, was not entirely upsetting. After hearing the news I thought, "OK, this is good that they have found this now, they will operate and take it out and all will be well again." My mother had been driving and working full time when they discovered the tumor, trust me if you saw her a week ago this news would be SHOCKING. Two days after receiving her diagnosis she is staring death in the face at the ER after a scary incident in the bathroom. They were told that they would be operating within a day or two. We drove to be by her side. How could I not spend some time with my mother knowing that she may not make it? I wasn't trying to be hopeless, I wanted my mom to know how much we love her. She spent a few days in the hospital thinking they were going to operate right away but then they released her to wait a few days for the surgery. I think she came home on Monday night, or was it Tuesday? I can't really remember. Much of the last two weeks is a jumble in my head. The surgery was scheduled for early the next Tuesday morning and so it was. On Tuesday she went into surgery for over 9 hours, it was a long day for everyone waiting... to hear the news. All appeared to be well... as well as you can be after BRAIN SURGERY for crying out loud. The next day she is still groggy but making jokes about brain surgery. Like, just wait until you play Nerts with me without my brain tumor, you better watch out! (Mom stinks at Nerts, but she loves to play) what we would all give to play Nerts with Mom one more time. Then the unexpected. Blood clots. Bad news. More surgery. Another long day. More waiting. And so here we are waiting to see if we will have our mother back. All we can do is wait. I am trying to not let the unexpected throw me but it is hard. Trust me, NO ONE ever thought my father would outlive my healthy, vibrant, happy, loving mother (sorry Dad, this is not to make you feel bad, but with your heart...) and when you have a picture in your mind of how life will go, your children growing up with their grandparents around. My paternal grandmother passed away when I was 11 and it is still the saddest day in my life and I miss her to this day. But I still have a grandmother living and my husband has 3 of his grandparents alive and this is how it is supposed to be with my mother. She is supposed to see my children get married. I am blessed to be one of the older children and so my family is (nearly?) complete. My children know her and they love her. I am not ready for my children to lose one of their grandparents. Ugh, this is a difficult post and I know it is rambling. I wish I could gather my thoughts a little better. But I have been avoiding my blog lately, not really knowing what to say but wanting to say something. Heartache, grief, pain, hope, love, fear, faith, desperation, sadness- these are my emotions right now. Mom, I hope you know how many people are praying for you, how loved you are. You know. I know you know. Be strong and fight for us, and for our children. They need their Grannie.

(*This picture was taken in the children's room at the museum in Idaho Falls and I just wanted to point out the fur vests that the kids are wearing. Can you see the ones on Mom and Dad, they were child sized and so could only go on one arm, but I thought it was so funny how much they were getting into it, also notice the serious faces...they crack me up!)