Sleeping Arrangements

Gotta love it when there are more kids in the bed than parents, umm yeah, actually not so much...

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I thought I should write you a letter while you are sleeping in the hospital. When you wake up you might want to know what's been going on while the world has been going by. I heard you winked at Britny today. I bet that made her day! I am really sad I cannot be there to sit by your side and hold your hand or read you a book or just tell you that I love you, so I just hope you know we love you so much and we are praying so hard for you.

This morning Kris told Rex he needed to go brush his teeth for church and Rex says, "Dad, are you Jesus?" Kris replied, "No, I'm not Jesus." (with Kris' facial hair you can see where this question may have come from) "Dad, does Jesus brush his teeth?" "Well, yes I think Jesus brushes his teeth." Rex-"He DOES?" (Rex has this way of putting great emphasis on the last word he says, especially when he's asking a question like he DOES?, you ARE?, it IS? It's very, very cute and funny) Kris- "Yes, I think Jesus does things to stay healthy." Rex- "OH" (with great interest and emphasis). I thought you would get a kick out of this story. Rex really loves to go to church, he loves his nursery class and he looked so handsome with his hair combed so cute and he does this thing where he shoves his little hands in his pockets, it's adorable. Even more so now that he wears underwear and doesn't have that bulky diaper, his pants just slide right off his tiny, little bum.

I think Sacrament meeting was just for me today. We had fast and testimony meeting and I felt each person speaking to my heart. One guy spoke of the plan of salvation and eternal families, another girl spoke of learning from our trials and finding strength in them and drawing closer to our Savior, another spoke on happiness and how even though we may be going through hard times right now we need to look for the good in life and be happy. Every time someone else would get up and speak I found myself being amazed at how wonderful it was. Maybe I am just listening a little more closely than I would have been normally or maybe it was an answer to my prayers. Anyway, it was very uplifting, I think you would have enjoyed it.

I'm wondering what it is like for you? Are you just sleeping or are you visiting people in heaven? Can you hear everything that is going on around you and yet you are just too tired or weak to wake up? I know you respond sometimes and that is great, it gives everyone hope and helps us all to know that you are in there, fighting. Maybe you just need this time to heal, to get better and that's ok. We understand. It doesn't make it any easier. It would just be so much better to have you awake and talking to us again so that we can know you are ok, but we know that it won't be long and we can be patient, especially if it means that we will get you back.

My heart aches for Dad. I know this must be hardest on him. As hard as it is for any of us kids it must be a million times harder for him. You are his world, we all know this. And I think he thinks he needs to be strong for us, but we need to be strong for him. He is being so strong. He loves you so much.

I want to thank you for being the wonderful mother that you are. You understand me so well. I know I can always count on you being so excited to have more grandkids and knowing what it's like to raise a big family. You have never judged me and you have always been supportive. You are the one person I know who gets it, who gets what it's like to be me. You know what it's like to do 3, 4 or 5 loads of laundry a day. To be the referee of kids arguing. To be the chauffeur. I love you because you have shown my husband so much love and acceptance, it means the world to me.

I'm learning a lot through this trial. How important it is to make each day count. It seems so trite and yet it is so true. I want to be more patient with my children and Kris. I want them to feel loved every minute. I'm leaning more on my Heavenly Father. I'm trying not to complain. Our dishwasher is broken (again, ugh!) and yet I am finding solace in the mundane task of hand washing the dishes, the warm water, the bubbles, the rinsing, the clean dishes. I am finding it all comforting. Maybe I am just finding comfort in the routine. I have not been complaining about it at all. Well, I guess it could be the fact that this time it is not summertime so I don't have twice as many dishes since Matthew and Gracie are in school. Oh, and the fact that I'm not eight months pregnant (I guess these COULD be affecting it:-). I'm trying to just find joy in all the little things, I'm trying to be happy because I know that you would want us to be happy, even though we are sad.

When I was feeding Colby tonight I was thinking about you singing "I lived in Heaven a long time ago it is true" as you were holding him when we were down there. I can hear your beautiful voice in my mind. You said that he was smiling so big and singing with you. I love those sweet memories and I was so glad to be able to get to spend that time with you. I'm always so happy when we get to visit you, you make life so much sweeter. Hang in there, Mom. Keep fighting. Come home soon, we have more memories to make.

I love you,

Eliza

Whose Feet are these?

The other day I found this on my kitchen table. Just leave it to Gracie to keep us laughing.

See the answer to the question in the bottom corner upside down (kinda like on cereal boxes and such). Too funny.

This was the side view. I guess Elmo wants his feet tickled.

Fortune and My Mom

*Warning: This is a long and depressing post, but I hope you will read and I hope you will comment, even if you are new to my blog, I love comments and any extra love and support right now is much appreciated!

Tonight we had Chinese, courtesy of the in-laws. They were taking care of us, since we need some care right now. Have you ever noticed how most fortunes are not really fortunes at all? My fortune cookie read: "Don't let unexpected situations throw you." Generally, I am not one to put alot of stock into fortune cookies. They are fun to read and they either get a huge eye roll (as in: A huge sum of money is headed your way) or a chuckle from me. But this one on this day has left me pondering and I've had a lot to ponder lately. Like the unexpected brain tumor that my mother was diagnosed with two weeks ago. That news, while completely unsettling, was not entirely upsetting. After hearing the news I thought, "OK, this is good that they have found this now, they will operate and take it out and all will be well again." My mother had been driving and working full time when they discovered the tumor, trust me if you saw her a week ago this news would be SHOCKING. Two days after receiving her diagnosis she is staring death in the face at the ER after a scary incident in the bathroom. They were told that they would be operating within a day or two. We drove to be by her side. How could I not spend some time with my mother knowing that she may not make it? I wasn't trying to be hopeless, I wanted my mom to know how much we love her. She spent a few days in the hospital thinking they were going to operate right away but then they released her to wait a few days for the surgery. I think she came home on Monday night, or was it Tuesday? I can't really remember. Much of the last two weeks is a jumble in my head. The surgery was scheduled for early the next Tuesday morning and so it was. On Tuesday she went into surgery for over 9 hours, it was a long day for everyone waiting... to hear the news. All appeared to be well... as well as you can be after BRAIN SURGERY for crying out loud. The next day she is still groggy but making jokes about brain surgery. Like, just wait until you play Nerts with me without my brain tumor, you better watch out! (Mom stinks at Nerts, but she loves to play) what we would all give to play Nerts with Mom one more time. Then the unexpected. Blood clots. Bad news. More surgery. Another long day. More waiting. And so here we are waiting to see if we will have our mother back. All we can do is wait. I am trying to not let the unexpected throw me but it is hard. Trust me, NO ONE ever thought my father would outlive my healthy, vibrant, happy, loving mother (sorry Dad, this is not to make you feel bad, but with your heart...) and when you have a picture in your mind of how life will go, your children growing up with their grandparents around. My paternal grandmother passed away when I was 11 and it is still the saddest day in my life and I miss her to this day. But I still have a grandmother living and my husband has 3 of his grandparents alive and this is how it is supposed to be with my mother. She is supposed to see my children get married. I am blessed to be one of the older children and so my family is (nearly?) complete. My children know her and they love her. I am not ready for my children to lose one of their grandparents. Ugh, this is a difficult post and I know it is rambling. I wish I could gather my thoughts a little better. But I have been avoiding my blog lately, not really knowing what to say but wanting to say something. Heartache, grief, pain, hope, love, fear, faith, desperation, sadness- these are my emotions right now. Mom, I hope you know how many people are praying for you, how loved you are. You know. I know you know. Be strong and fight for us, and for our children. They need their Grannie.

(*This picture was taken in the children's room at the museum in Idaho Falls and I just wanted to point out the fur vests that the kids are wearing. Can you see the ones on Mom and Dad, they were child sized and so could only go on one arm, but I thought it was so funny how much they were getting into it, also notice the serious faces...they crack me up!)